Did you know that your wedding day is for you? Controversial opinion, I know. There are wedding traditions to skip, wedding traditions to include, and wedding traditions to make up as you go. I’ve photographed more than 200 weddings since 2011 and want to share a few of my thoughts on alternative wedding traditions and how to make your wedding unique & unforgettable by choosing the traditions that fit your unique & unforgettable personality.
There are so many wedding traditions from around the world. In the 15 years I’ve been a photographer I’ve seen a lot of things that couples have decided to do, to skip, or to adjust on their wedding day. I’m here to share my thoughts on a few of the more common ones and whether I think they are or are not worth including in your plans.
If you know anything about weddings chances are you’re familiar with the idea of a garter toss, parent dances, and the couple waiting to see each other until the ceremony. These three traditions can be fun ways for a couple and their community to celebrate together, but they can also be awkward and uncomfortable if they don’t vibe with your personalities. You deserve a wedding day that is true to who you are and what feels good for you. Let’s discuss a couple options for what you can add, what you can skip, and what you can craft anew.
Wedding Traditions to Skip
Garter Toss
The garter toss is a dated practice that involves a bride wearing a lacy, elastic band around her upper thigh, her groom climbing under her dress and removing that band while everyone watches in silence (or with awkward wolf whistles and cat calls), then he tosses the garter to a crowd of bachelors.
The follow up to the garter toss comes once the bouquet is thrown. The bachelor who catches the garter then puts it on the single lady who caught the bouquet. Apparently the farther up her leg he risks placing it the more happiness he’s wishing the couple. Why does it always seem that the person who catches the bouquet is a 12-year-old-girl and the person who catches the garter is a drunk man two or three times her age?
As you can probably tell by my description, I am not a fan. The garter toss is based on a lot of heteronormative and gendered expectations that have been thrown out by so many people at this point. If you have two brides, who tosses the garter? When there are two grooms, which one throws the bouquet? When folks are nonbinary or genderfluid or anything other than a cishet couple, this tradition doesn’t know what to do with itself. Generally the people participating and the people watching don’t know what to do with themselves either.
There are a few instances where removing the garter and tossing it into the crowd can be fun. If you have a particularly raunchy friend group or folks used to leaning into sexy performance (like drag kings & queens or burlesque performers), then a garter toss may be for you. If the idea of your new spouse climbing under your skirt while the uncle you haven’t seen in a decade whistles makes you want to die inside, it’s more than OK to give this tradition a pass.
Parent Dances
Parent dances can be such a special way to share a moment with family. If dancing in front of your wedding guests feels good to you, then do it! No one will be judging your moves, you can absolutely just sway back and forth, and the DJ can fade the song out early so you don’t have to wait out a full three-or-four-minute song. If dancing isn’t your thing though, this is a great time to create your own alternative wedding traditions.
If you don’t like being the center of attention, don’t force yourself to do this! If it’s important to highlight your parents, set aside a few moments to share with them in private after your ceremony.
If you don’t like dancing, don’t do it! Maybe a lightsaber battle feels more true to who you are? Get light sabers and go at it! Find something meaningful to you and your parents to make the moment extra personal.
If the moment won’t feel good to you, don’t do it! Not everyone has a great relationship with their parents, especially in the queer community. If dancing together in front of people to celebrate a sentimental bond you don’t feel isn’t something you’re up for on your wedding day that is entirely valid and you can choose not to include this tradition.
Staying Separate Until the Ceremony
Again with the out of date, heteronormative traditions. If it feels particularly sweet and meaningful to have this space apart and save the wedding day reveal for when you walk down the aisle, rock on! This can be such an impactful moment and can be so meaningful for some couples. If that’s not you, there are a few practical and emotional reasons to see each other in advance.
Wedding days can come with a lot of nerves and a lot of anxieties. There are a bunch of people all around you, a lot of things going on, and you’ve spent months planning the day that you’re now finally starting. A big part of partnership is working through stressful moments together and seeing one another before saying, “I do!” can be a great way to help ground yourselves and take a little bit of the edge off.
Practically, seeing one another before your ceremony means you are able to do some of your photos before the ceremony. You know that amazing cocktail hour you planned for everyone? If you want to check it out yourselves you’ll want to at least do your couple and wedding party photos in advance.
This doesn’t work for everyone but if you’re seeing each other before the ceremony then you can potentially get ready together! If you aren’t having wedding parties it can be extra nice to have your spouse on hand when you need help tying a tie or picking the right shade of lipstick.
Do What Feels Right for You and Your Wedding
In the end, this is your wedding and it’s about you as individuals and a couple together. A lot of people will have a lot of opinions on what you “should” do with your day but I say it’s up to you to decide which wedding traditions to skip, which to celebrate, and how to show up in ways that are authentically you.
Check out the links below for more non-traditional wedding inspiration and when you’re ready to chat I’d love to hear from you! Reach out on my contact page here.
- Elope in Baltimore
- Renaissance Festival Wedding
- How to Find the Perfect Non-Traditional Wedding Photographer
- How to Plan a Halloween Themed Wedding
